“Douglas wants to write a thought leadership post,” announces Billie, appearing at my desk with teh suddenness of a pop-up ad. “He reckons he doesn’t need any help with it.”
I look up from my screen, where I’ve been deftly handling a LinkedIn troll who seems to think our product roadmap is about as inspired as a Monday morning. I pause, hand hovering mid-coffee-lift.
“Come again?” I ask, certain my ears are playing tricks.
“Douglas. COO Douglas. Thinks he’s the next Hemingway of digital buzzwords. Wants to pen a thought leadership post. On his own.” Billie’s eyes are the size of saucers, there hands flailing about as if trying to physically grasp the absurdity. “He just DM’d me about it. Claims he’s had a ‘profound insight about digital transformation’ he needs to urgently share.”
I place my coffee down with the delicacy of disarming a bomb.
“Did he actually say ‘profound insight’?”
“Word for word.” Billie flashes their phone at me. True enough, there it is, bathed in the brass monkeys light of digital reality, i have a profound insight about digital transformation i’d like to share with our followers. no need to workshop it, just a quick proofread.
The universe clearly delights in irony. Only last week, I was embroiled in a three-day saga to get Douglas to sign off on a rather straightforward employee advocacy scheme. He insisted we “circle back” and “synergize our thought vectors” or some nonsense. Now, he’s suddenly a solo act?
“He’s already drafting it,” Billie adds, as if I needed more rubbish news.
I nod slowly, my soul inching towards the door. “Right,” I muster, straightening an imaginary tie. “Let’s see what depths of ‘profound’ our dear COO plumbs.”
The draft lands like a lead balloon at 4:47 PM, precisely when I’m supposed to be leaving for a dental torture session.
Subject: Thought Leadership - Digital Transformation in Today’s Business Landscape
From: Douglas Reed
To: Cass Carmichael; Billie Vance
Cass/Billie - Please review the attached and let me know if you see any typos. Would like to post this tomorrow morning. Thanks, D
With a heavy heart, I text my dentist: “Apocalypse at work. Must reschedule.” Third time this month. I swear she thinks I’m inventing these crises.
Trepidation in my fingers, I open the document entitled “Digital Transformation Is The Future And How Companies Can Leverage It To Win In The Marketplace.docx”
Bracing myself, I begin.
In today’s fast-paced business landscape, digital transformation is no longer a luxury but a necessity. With over 20 years under my belt, I can personally vouch for the seismic shifts digital tech can induce in growth and innovation.
Oh dear.
organisations dragging their feet on digital adoption are signing their own obsolescence warrants. Here at our company, we’ve embraced a sweeping digital strategy, integrating cloud computing, data analytics, and AI to enhance operational efficiency and customer delight.
Oh dear Lord.
A truly successful digital transformation strategy isn’t merely about adopting technology; it’s about cultivating an ethos of innovation and flexibility.
I skim further. Seventeen paragraphs of relentless jargon bombardment. Bullet points under “5 Key Pillars of Effective Digital Transformation.” A section ludicrously titled “My Journey as a Digital Visionary.”
A sentence assaults my eyes: “The synergistic confluence of big data analytics and IoT capabilities creates a paradigm shift in our strategic approach to customer-centric value propositions.”
I close the document. A whole minute of staring into the digital abyss follows. Then, Slack.
Cass: Billie, you still here?
Billie: tragically, yes 🙃 just glimpsed the horror 💀
Cass: Meet me in the small conference room. Bring anything alcoholic.
“It’s… a challenge,” I say, euphemistically pacing the conference room while Billie perches like a guru on the table.
“It’s verbal indigestion,” Billie counters. “Like if ChatGPT eloped with a corporate strategy white paper.”
“He’s set on posting it tomorrow.”
“Can we not stage an intervention?”
I exhale. “He’s the COO, Billie. It’s not like we can just say ‘no’.”
“But it’s catastrophic. It’s a career-destroyer. It’s ‘never show your face on LinkedIn again’ kind of bad.”
I nod somberly. “Which is precisely why we’ll save him. Subtly. Without letting on we’re essentially rewriting War and Peace here.”
“How?”
“Start with ‘minor clarifications.’ Escalate to ‘enhancing readability.’ Gradually replace every word until it sounds less like a bot and more like a human.”
From: Cass Carmichael
To: Douglas Reed; Billie Vance
Douglas - Took a swing at a few tweaks for clarity and impact. Attached. -Cass
I’ve halved the document, excised a dozen “digital transformations,” obliterated “My Journey as a Digital Visionary,” and made the opener resemble something penned by a sentient creature.
Minutes later, Douglas replies.
From: Douglas Reed
Cass, appreciate the effort but I prefer my original phrasing. The visionary journey is key - it showcases my expertise. Reattached my draft for a quick spell-check. -D
I close my eyes. Count to ten. Then fifty.
“Round two,” I announce to Billie next day. “Subtlety is key.”
This round, I preserve Douglas’s beloved buzzwords but inject actual human experiences in place of vague technobabble. I streamline three paragraphs into potent sentences.
Back it goes with a note: Douglas - Refined for reader engagement. The personal CRM project anecdote adds a nice touch!
His swift reply?
Cass - Thanks for the input, sticking mostly to my original though. Made small tweaks per your suggestions. -D
His “tweaks” are two commas and thrice the uses of “very.”
“Last ditch effort,” I say to Billie as the clock ticks down another day. “We tell him the algorithm prefers human stories.”
In a crafted plea, I cite fabricated studies about LinkedIn’s algorithms favoring personal narrative and brevity. I suggest a ‘slight restructure’—effectively a full rewrite.
I send. I wait. I stew.
The phone rings. It’s Douglas.
“Cass,” he begins, no ‘ello, “I value your input, but let’s not over-engineer this. I went ahead and posted the original draft. Just wanted to keep it real, you know?”
I’m already logging into LinkedIn. There it is, Douglas’s magnum opus, bloated with jargon, untouched by human hands.
“I see,” I manage weakly.
“Fab,” he says cheerily. “Let’s see how it does. I’m thinking this could start a series.”
Post-call, Billie appears at my door, a mix of dread and awe on their face.
“Did you see it?” they mouth.
I nod.
“It’s… epic.”
“In length and horror, yes.”
“What now?”
I straighten, resigned. “We do what we’ve always done, Billie. We take a stiff drink, wait for the storm to pass, and gear up for when Douglas wonders why his ‘profound insight’ garnered seven pity likes.”
Billie nods, sage-like. “And then?”
“Then we help him draft the next disaster. Because, my mate, that’s what we’re here for - to turn the authentically atrocious into something resembling readable sense.”
Just then, a notification: Douglas Reed has tagged you in a comment.
Thanks to @Cass Carmichael and @Billie Vance for their invaluable help on this vital piece! #DigitalTransformation
Billie and I exchange a look. Some battles, it seems, are simply unwinnable. But as every seasoned brand warrior knows, the war is long, and it is waged one dreadful buzzword at a time.